Humans in Science

I see from a little tour on the Internet that I’m experiencing nearly all the classical signs of grief and bereavement. It’s very frustrating to be that unoriginal, especially when you think you have an original, indeed, unique relationship with the person who died.

Along the way, I found some “tips for friends” by a Jay Mihalko and thought I’d place them here, edited to reflect my point of view right now that I’m in the acute stages.

Relatives, friends and neighbors are supportive at the time of a death, during the wake and funeral. Food, flowers and their presence are among the many thoughtful expressions.

After the funeral, many grieving people wonder what happened to their friends. They need their support and caring even more when the reality begins to hit and the long process of grief begins: Their help is essential, since immediate family members have their hands full of grief and may find it difficult to give support to one another, or may not live nearby.

Your help and understanding can make a significant difference in the healing of your friend’s grief. A grieving person needs friends who are willing to: LISTEN; cry with them; sit with them; reminisce; care; have creative ideas for coping; be honest; help them feel loved and needed (my emphasis); believe that they will make it through their grief.

All that is necessary is a squeeze of the hand, a kiss, a hug, your presence. If you want to say something, say, “I’m sorry” or “I care”. (Although in my experience it’s kind of awkward to say precisely, I care; but the idea is right: don’t say much, and make it apparent you’re there to listen.)

1. Offer to help with practical matters; i.e., errands, fixing food, caring for children. Say “I’m going to the store. Do you need bread, milk, etc.? I’ll get them.” It is not helpful to say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.”
2. Don’t be afraid to cry openly if you were close to the deceased. Often the bereaved find themselves comforting you, but at the same time they understand your tears and don’t feel so alone in their grief. (This only happened twice and that was enough for me.)
3. It is not necessary to ask questions about how the death happened. Let the bereaved tell you as much as they want when they are ready. A helpful question might be, “Would you like to talk? I’ll listen.”
4. The bereaved may ask “WHY?” It is often a cry of pain rather than a question. It is not necessary to answer, but if you do, you may reply “I don’t know why.”
5. Don’t use platitudes like “Life is for the living,” or “It’s God’s will.” Explanations rarely console. It is better to say nothing.
6. Recognize that the bereaved may be angry. They may be angry at God, the person who died, the clergy, doctors, rescue teams, other family members, etc. Encourage them to acknowledge their anger and to find healthy ways of handling it.
7. Be available to LISTEN frequently. Most bereaved want to talk about the person who has died. Encourage them to talk about the deceased. Do not change the conversation or avoid mentioning the person’s name. Depression is often part of grief. It is a scary feeling. To be able to talk things over with an understanding friend or loved one is one factor that may help prevent a person from becoming severely depressed.
8. Read about the various phases of grief so you can understand and help the bereaved to understand.
9. Be PATIENT. Mourning may take a long time. The bereaved need you to stand by them for as long as necessary. Encourage them to be patient with themselves as there is no timetable for grief.
10. Be aware that a bereaved person’s self-esteem may be very low. Be aware of the use of drugs and alcohol. Medication should only be taken under the supervision of a physician. Often these only delay the grief response.
11. It is not helpful to say, “Don’t feel guilty.” This only adds to the mourner’s negative view of themselves. They would handle it better if they could. One response could be, “I don’t think that you are guilty. You did the best you could at the time, but don’t push down your feelings of guilt. Talk about it until you can let it go.”
12. Give special attention to the children in the family. DO NOT tell them not to cry or not to upset the adults.
13. Be aware of the physical reactions to the death (lack of appetite, sleeplessness, headaches, inability to concentrate). These affect the person’s coping ability, energy and recovery. (This was/is SO true for me. But I’m eating again.)
14. Don’t say, “It’s been 4 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc. You must be over it by now.” Life will never be the same.
15. Suggest that the bereaved postpone major decisions such as moving, giving everything away, etc. Later they may regret their hasty decisions. It is best for the bereaved to keep decision making to a minimum. (A little late for me. Oh well. But good advice.)
16. Practice unconditional love. Feelings of rage, anger and frustration are not pleasant to observe or listen to; but it is necessary for the bereaved to recognize and work on these feelings in order to work through the grief, rather than become stuck in one phase.
17. Help the bereaved to avoid unrealistic expectations as to how they “should” feel and when they will be better. It is helpful when appropriate to say, “I don’t know how you do as well as you do.”
18. Don’t avoid the bereaved. This adds to their loss. As the widowed often say, “I not only lost my spouse, but my friend as well.” (This has been mostly true for colleagues. But so many others are standing by that I don’t feel deprived. I just notice.)
19. Be aware that weekends, holidays and evenings may be more difficult.

So, I’m back to my new home today, the in-laws who have been an enormous help, are leaving tomorrow, and I’ll start my routine on Friday back in Toulouse if all goes well. Meanwhile, Paris was at its most charming this morning, hazy light over the flower arrangements in the middle of the avenue de Breteuil and balmy skies.

Posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 2:23 am You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.